Okay, so I have decided that my whole last semester of college really sucked. And this is socially speaking, not school-wise. So there was this guy that I had liked since last year, and we finally started talking and hanging out. It was all good, and it seemed like we had some kind of connection. Anyway, I enjoyed his company, and the more we hung out, the more I liked him. One day, due to unfortunate circumstances that I had no control over, I pretty much got silently told that I couldn't see him anymore because someone else close to me liked him and wanted to look like the better option. Now, I don't mean to sound rude or put-upon, but it just wasn't fair that a barrier was put up between me and the guy that I liked. The girl said that I was obsessing, and that I stared too much. Is it really my fault? The guy is freakin' gorgeous! In the midst of all this drama, there was another story unfolding.
There was another guy that I unfortunately got involved with. I will admit, there was some kind of interest/teasing on my part. I just wanted to see if I could get him hooked, that's all. Anyway, he liked one of my friends, and she didn't return his feelings, so she sort of encouraged me (a little too much) to pursue him. We started hanging out, watching movies together and taking very long late-night strolls around campus. We got pretty tight, and shared our feelings about most things. He was a messed-up kinda guy, but I felt like he was changing. He was the first guy I held hands with. I told my friend and roommates that I was kinda starting to like this guy, and they still encouraged me, knowing full well what he was. During one of our long walks, we kissed. Just simple kissing, no tongue or anything romantic like that. I thought that would be the beginning of a relationship, but it was only the beginning of heartache. A few nights after, we were deciding what we wanted to spend our time doing. I asked him what he wanted, and he was reluctant to tell me. I kept asking him until he said that he would text me his suggestion. I waited, and was soon greeted with a text that asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. I will admit, because I am being entirely truthful here as I promised, that I had previously considered the possibility. I was rather caught off-guard, and being faced with the honest-to-goodness prospective of finally losing my virginity to this kid that I wasn't even dating and had just barely had a g-rated kiss with kinda scared the living shit out of me. I tried to gently play it off by texting him back a one-word answer: no. Keeping my cool, I suggested that we go to the park to swing. That lasted about five minutes before I started feeling sick, whether from the circumstances or the medicine I was on, I'm still not sure.
I had wrestled with these feelings for a couple weeks; the hurt, the betrayal, the confusion at my own response, all swam together in my mind. Finally, I did what I feel was the right thing: I told him that I didn't want to hang out with him anymore and that I felt disrespected by what he had asked. After the fact, and after all the heartache I suffered, everyone I had talked to told me that he wasn't even that attractive and they knew that was all he had wanted from the very beginning. Really, people?! You knew, and you didn't even have the guts to tell me the truth about this? I felt betrayed here, too.
At least he didn't want you anymore. At least you had poor Katie to push him on. I'm not asking for pity, and I don't want to make anyone angry, but I just wanted to get this out of my system before it crushed me. I am disappointed that the people I thought were my friends turned out to be wolves in sheep's clothing. One didn't like the guy until I started making a fuss about him. She even told me that she didn't understand why I liked him so much and that "he wasn't as attractive as I thought." Then suddenly she is all over him, pushing me down that spiral of heartache. Thank you, my friend, for showing me just how much of a friend you really were. Thank you for treating me like a roommate, a friend, and a human being as you destroyed my chance of even getting close with a guy that I liked. Thank you for not inviting me to hang out with you when he was going to be there, too. And to the other, thank you for giving me a taste of my own medicine without even knowing it. Thanks for proving that I must be ever careful about what I wish for, because I won't like what I get. Thanks for being false with your opinions because you knew I would fall for him if you cast a glamour on him and made him seem better than he was.
All in all, my Readers, these things were what caused me to be a silent wreck all through August and December. I only cried once, toward the end, because I just couldn't hold it in anymore. It was destroying me. Yes, I got angry. Anger is just a front. I also got silent and aloof, also a front. I will not let it happen again. And it didn't kill me, I have grown from this. So, again, I thank you.
K.
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