Saturday, October 27, 2012

Ever Just Had One of Those Days?

Today has been rather wonky.  I will admit that some of it was my fault, I did choose to dress that way, but in some ways it wasn't me at all.  Also, since when were people afraid to smack my butt?  It's like a hand-tennis racket- towel- anything else handy magnet.  I don't even care anymore.  The only time I have made a big deal out of it was when the person smacking me caused me pain.  Like, serious lasts-more-than-one-minute pain.  Then I might be apt to complain.  

Sometimes I just don't understand people.  What makes them the way they are?  Why do they choose to do those things?  What were they thinking?  Maybe I should become a psychology major.  That sounds hard.  Maybe not, then.  

I think I am looking for the complimentary cheese to my wine, the cover to my book, the shotgun to my shell.    I don't want a business relationship/marriage.  I thrive on emotions.  Like right now.  Being so close to the full moon is making me a little crazy.  Like I want to walk through a cemetery or do something crazy like that.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this midnight rambling.  I honestly don't know why I even wrote this post.  Hope somebody can get a kick out of it.  Ha ha.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Just Can't Deny It Anymore!

I know that here, on this site, my personal feelings and thoughts aren't really my own.  I know you'll use them however best suits you.  I don't care.

I guess I just want to get this out, let it be heard.  I don't care if you read it or not, what you take from it is entirely up to you.  I don't want it inside anymore, so at least here I can scream it to the virtual rooftops.

First off, you should know that I kinda fell for a guy.  Kinda like stepping in hot tar that someone poured onto a pothole.  Or like suddenly being caught in a blizzard while hunting.  Or maybe like falling in a dream and suddenly being jolted awake by the force of it.  Either way, it happened.

I don't really know why I'm telling you this; chances are he doesn't even like me.  Okay, so he likes me, but probably not like that.  It's a bit complicated.

Somehow, I ended up screwing it up, but then it got better.  Now I'm just holding on to every and any smile and joke I can get.  This sounds desperate, but isn't that what feeling like this is all about?  You are happy when they are happy.  Ugh, now I sound like a sappy romantic dramedy.  Yuck!  Anyway, part of me recently decided that I didn't really believe that sentiment.  I don't cry that often, but when I thought I was losing him forever, even just as a friend, I kinda broke a little.  The tears and sobs came on like a bad case of the stomach flu.  It almost felt the same way as vomiting.  I didn't really eat the next day.  I suppose I became a little depressed.  And for all of you who think that no guy is worth crying over, I only have this to say:  TELL THAT TO MY BRAIN!!!  Ha ha, sorry, had to.

I don't really know what I'm doing.  Definitely never felt this way before.  It's not even like butterflies in the stomach, this feeling.  It's like a strong pull followed by my stomach twisting like turbo-crunches.  Sometimes I can't even look in his eyes because I think I'll betray too much or he'll get scared away again.  I know that to some degree I can't control it.  It's just too strong.

Some of my friends insist that I need to "get laid" or have some "bad-boy sex."  What would losing my virginity do?  I don't think it would help me get over him.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't. Might make matters worse.  Oh, I guess now you all know I'm still a virgin.  Let me make this perfectly clear, so that there won't be any questions later:  I AM NOT SAVING MYSELF!!!  I just haven't had opportunity to.  And I am a little shy when it comes to that department.  And you all thought I was an angel.  Ha ha.

If I could ask people on here for advice, believe me, I would.  It seems like all advice in the Love Department is vague.  People aren't really up to trying to put into words how they feel.

Just so you know, I'm a little bit afraid to post this.  I know this sounds juvenile, but what if he reads this?  I don't know how much attention he pays to things I post.  In some ways, I want him to.  Oh well, here's to raising a glass to being daring and all that rot.  Bloody hell, what have I gotten myself into?

If for some reason you do read this, please don't judge me too harshly.  I just can't help it.  You make it so hard.  And I do try.  I won't deny this feeling anymore. I can't.  It's too strong for me to fight.  I think I might have accidentally fallen in love with you, and I am sorry.  I just hope you'll forgive me for this.  *blushes and smiles timidly*

Monday, June 18, 2012

Yesterday, one of the guys I work with said that I come off as a very trusting person.  I'm not.  I'm friendly to everyone, yes, but I'm not very trusting.  I mean, you're innocent until proven guilty, but I don't really trust you in the beginning.  Trust is something you have to earn, not something freely given.  I'm also not very apt to giving second chances, especially where my heart in concerned.  It like that old saying:  "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."  I don't want to be fooled twice.  All it takes is one time, and my walls go up.  So, in conclusion, even though it took a lot of meaningless rambling to get here, if you are wanting to capture my heart in friendship or love, you are going to have to prove yourself.  Prove it.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

You have taken my breath away, stolen my heart, and made me so confused.  I don't know what to do, because I'm not supposed to like you, but I can't help myself.  I could follow my heart, or I could follow my logic.  I have always been an emotionally-centered person, it is what drives me.  I don't know what to do.  I'm going insane, and it's the most wonderfully painful feeling I have ever felt, and it's all because of you.  How am I supposed to choose between what I want and what is right?  What if what I want is right?  Why does it have to be wrong?  Why do I have to fight against myself?  There is a constant battle raging inside me.  Right against wrong, right against right.  I only wish I knew how to handle this.  I just want everything to work out.  I want it to be right.  I want it to be you.  It is so strange.  You make me feel so good.  You make me smile and feel happy.  I don't think following your heart is wrong.  For now, I'm going to do this.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Just a Dream...

It's been a long time since I've thougth about you.  Last night, you were in my dreams.  I wish it was real, but I know it's just an empty wish.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Just Need to Get it OUT!

Okay, so I have decided that my whole last semester of college really sucked.  And this is socially speaking, not school-wise.  So there was this guy that I had liked since last year, and we finally started talking and hanging out.  It was all good, and it seemed like we had some kind of connection.  Anyway, I enjoyed his company, and the more we hung out, the more I liked him.  One day, due to unfortunate circumstances that I had no control over, I pretty much got silently told that I couldn't see him anymore because someone else close to me liked him and wanted to look like the better option.  Now, I don't mean to sound rude or put-upon, but it just wasn't fair that a barrier was put up between me and the guy that I liked.  The girl said that I was obsessing, and that I stared too much.  Is it really my fault?  The guy is freakin' gorgeous!  In the midst of all this drama, there was another story unfolding.

There was another guy that I unfortunately got involved with.  I will admit, there was some kind of interest/teasing on my part.  I just wanted to see if I could get him hooked, that's all.  Anyway, he liked one of my friends, and she didn't return his feelings, so she sort of encouraged me (a little too much) to pursue him.  We started hanging out, watching movies together and taking very long late-night strolls around campus.  We got pretty tight, and shared our feelings about most things.  He was a messed-up kinda guy, but I felt like he was changing.  He was the first guy I held hands with.  I told my friend and roommates that I was kinda starting to like this guy, and they still encouraged me, knowing full well what he was.  During one of our long walks, we kissed.  Just simple kissing, no tongue or anything romantic like that.  I thought that would be the beginning of a relationship, but it was only the beginning of heartache.  A few nights after, we were deciding what we wanted to spend our time doing.  I asked him what he wanted, and he was reluctant to tell me.  I kept asking him until he said that he would text me his suggestion.  I waited, and was soon greeted with a text that asked me if I wanted to have sex with him.  I will admit, because I am being entirely truthful here as I promised, that I had previously considered the possibility.  I was rather caught off-guard, and being faced with the honest-to-goodness prospective of finally losing my virginity to this kid that I wasn't even dating and had just barely had a g-rated kiss with kinda scared the living shit out of me.  I tried to gently play it off by texting him back a one-word answer:  no.  Keeping my cool, I suggested that we go to the park to swing.  That lasted about five minutes before I started feeling sick, whether from the circumstances or the medicine I was on, I'm still not sure. 

I had wrestled with these feelings for a couple weeks;  the hurt, the betrayal, the confusion at my own response, all swam together in my mind.  Finally, I did what I feel was the right thing:  I told him that I didn't want to hang out with him anymore and that I felt disrespected by what he had asked.  After the fact, and after all the heartache I suffered, everyone I had talked to told me that he wasn't even that attractive and they knew that was all he had wanted from the very beginning.  Really, people?!  You knew, and you didn't even have the guts to tell me the truth about this?  I felt betrayed here, too.

At least he didn't want you anymore.  At least you had poor Katie to push him on.  I'm not asking for pity, and I don't want to make anyone angry, but I just wanted to get this out of my system before it crushed me.  I am disappointed that the people I thought were my friends turned out to be wolves in sheep's clothing.  One didn't like the guy until I started making a fuss about him.  She even told me that she didn't understand why I liked him so much and that "he wasn't as attractive as I thought."  Then suddenly she is all  over him, pushing me down that spiral of heartache.  Thank you, my friend, for showing me just how much of a friend you really were.  Thank you for treating me like a roommate, a friend, and a human being as you destroyed my chance of even getting close with a guy that I liked.  Thank you for not inviting me to hang out with you when he was going to be there, too.  And to the other, thank you for giving me a taste of my own medicine without even knowing it.  Thanks for proving that I must be ever careful about what I wish for, because I won't like what I get.  Thanks for being false with your opinions because you knew I would fall for him if you cast a glamour on him and made him seem better than he was.

All in all, my Readers, these things were what caused me to be a silent wreck all through August and December.  I only cried once, toward the end, because I just couldn't hold it in anymore.  It was destroying me.  Yes, I got angry.  Anger is just a front.  I also got silent and aloof, also a front.  I will not let it happen again.  And it didn't kill me, I have grown from this.  So, again, I thank you.

K.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Something New...

Hello Readers.

I am starting this blog as a sort of out.  Somewhere I can just write a bunch of either meaningless or meaningful stuff whenever I feel like it, without it being read and criticized all the time.  I am not yet sure if this site has a "comment" option, but I really don't care.  This is a place where I will place my heart on my sleeve.  You will soon know maybe more than you wanted, or maybe just enough.  I will unlock my secrets here. I will write about love, loss, and new beginnings.  If you aren't into all this lovey-dovey, angsty crap, then I would suggest that you don't continue reading my blogs :)  Ha ha.  I just want you all to know, especially any family and friends who read these, that I am not troubled or angry in any way.  I just want you all to know who I am and what I am doing with my life.  I will probably get hooked on posting pictures of stuff I do and posting about life-changing events.  I guess this first blog sounds like a bunch of midnight ramblings, but hey, that's what this is for.  Right?  Can I get an "Amen?"  Just kidding.  Hopefully I can engage you all in the hilarious inner workings of my mind, as well as have more people listening to what I really think and feel, without all the other dialogue.  I find that sometimes, people just interject to hear their own voices, even though what you have to say is pretty important.  Here, in this blog, I will be able to say all this without someone else trying to get their word in edgewise. 

Anyways, hopefully you all enjoy this, whoever you may be.  I am not looking to start trouble, cause any radical movements, or get more popular.  Let's face it, we'd all rather be comfortable in our own skin than be popular and feel like a piece of plastic.  Let's all just be confident the way we are, regardless of how we look. 

Here's to hoping you read this,

K.