I know that here, on this site, my personal feelings and thoughts aren't really my own. I know you'll use them however best suits you. I don't care.
I guess I just want to get this out, let it be heard. I don't care if you read it or not, what you take from it is entirely up to you. I don't want it inside anymore, so at least here I can scream it to the virtual rooftops.
First off, you should know that I kinda fell for a guy. Kinda like stepping in hot tar that someone poured onto a pothole. Or like suddenly being caught in a blizzard while hunting. Or maybe like falling in a dream and suddenly being jolted awake by the force of it. Either way, it happened.
I don't really know why I'm telling you this; chances are he doesn't even like me. Okay, so he likes me, but probably not like that. It's a bit complicated.
Somehow, I ended up screwing it up, but then it got better. Now I'm just holding on to every and any smile and joke I can get. This sounds desperate, but isn't that what feeling like this is all about? You are happy when they are happy. Ugh, now I sound like a sappy romantic dramedy. Yuck! Anyway, part of me recently decided that I didn't really believe that sentiment. I don't cry that often, but when I thought I was losing him forever, even just as a friend, I kinda broke a little. The tears and sobs came on like a bad case of the stomach flu. It almost felt the same way as vomiting. I didn't really eat the next day. I suppose I became a little depressed. And for all of you who think that no guy is worth crying over, I only have this to say: TELL THAT TO MY BRAIN!!! Ha ha, sorry, had to.
I don't really know what I'm doing. Definitely never felt this way before. It's not even like butterflies in the stomach, this feeling. It's like a strong pull followed by my stomach twisting like turbo-crunches. Sometimes I can't even look in his eyes because I think I'll betray too much or he'll get scared away again. I know that to some degree I can't control it. It's just too strong.
Some of my friends insist that I need to "get laid" or have some "bad-boy sex." What would losing my virginity do? I don't think it would help me get over him. In fact, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't. Might make matters worse. Oh, I guess now you all know I'm still a virgin. Let me make this perfectly clear, so that there won't be any questions later: I AM NOT SAVING MYSELF!!! I just haven't had opportunity to. And I am a little shy when it comes to that department. And you all thought I was an angel. Ha ha.
If I could ask people on here for advice, believe me, I would. It seems like all advice in the Love Department is vague. People aren't really up to trying to put into words how they feel.
Just so you know, I'm a little bit afraid to post this. I know this sounds juvenile, but what if he reads this? I don't know how much attention he pays to things I post. In some ways, I want him to. Oh well, here's to raising a glass to being daring and all that rot. Bloody hell, what have I gotten myself into?
If for some reason you do read this, please don't judge me too harshly. I just can't help it. You make it so hard. And I do try. I won't deny this feeling anymore. I can't. It's too strong for me to fight. I think I might have accidentally fallen in love with you, and I am sorry. I just hope you'll forgive me for this. *blushes and smiles timidly*
